So, life happened. I had a little personal crisis. I was up two to four times a night feeding my girl, who still refused to drink her milk at daycare all day. I was working full-time in the fine arts...which means putting in at least 50 hour weeks. Due to my scrupulous upbringing, I felt pressure to attempt to have a clean house, and that was next to impossible while still spending time with my husband and baby. It was a recipe for disaster, and I would find myself crying every morning as I dashed around: feeling sad as I woke my baby up and rushed her to get ready for another day away from me, but also feeling stressed as I felt the pull of my work demands. I had analyzed that I spent a total of about 2 1/2 hours with my child every day, except weekends. Well, the weekends I didn't have to work. The rest of the time, she was with a lovely lady, but still not able to be the apple of anyone's eye. That crushed my spirit.
Finally, in February, I had a real heart-to-heart with my husband. He was mostly unaware of my struggles (go me? :/ ), but agreed that we had to make changes if we could. I had already started saying "no" to work events that most fine arts people do as a matter of course. We attempted to live on the budget of only one income. It worked! I began praying about the right time to tell my work I was resigning, and after my spring concert, I turned in my resignation. It was gratifying to have my boss push my resignation letter back at me and say, "Are you sure you want to do this? Won't you reconsider? Whatever will we do without you?" But it was set. My heart felt lighter for the first time in eight months. Once it was made public, I suddenly had a ton of people calling me to ask if I would give piano lessons. God provided, just as he promised.
I have now been working at home for about a year. Rarely a day goes by that I don't sit back and marvel at how perfect this situation is for us. I'm constantly saying, "Wow, if I was working right now, I would be missing out on..." Not that the transition didn't have it's bumps. I was accustomed to having an audience, so my ego took a huge hit when no one was telling me what a good job I was doing. Also, there were minor stresses as my husband grew used to our limited income. He's a generous soul, who loves to throw in a few extras into everyone's day to make it easier, and the smaller income was definitely putting a crimp in his style. In addition, I had to deal with the change from salary, benefits, etc. to being self-employed, part-time, and the constant flux of students.
All this to say, I'm considering blogging again. I haven't decided which direction I should take, but I'm going to find it.
Tag to my journey? There's a reason why stay-at-home mothers get up in arms when people inquire what they do all day, or imply they have it easy. I have discovered that taking care of your own children 24-7, particularly strong-willed ones like my darling Babykins, is a thankless job for a looooooong time. Poop and pee on the floor during potty training, zero breaks naptime doesn't happen, few daytime friends to visit or call (did you know that only 20% of American women are stay-at-home moms?), a little being that completely depends on you to have sustenance and strong development for hours on end? Yeah. I get it why some moms have baby number two or three and re-enter the workforce. They are ready for a break. They're ready to see other adults. They're frankly ready for someone else to take over the bulk of time with potty training, two-year-old temper tantrums, discipline procedures, and daily care. I get it. And the longer I do this, the better I am at not judging.
And yet, I still would not trade my job for the world. She gives me hugs. She has tea parties with me, telling me not to eat the "muffins" yet, because they're "Too hot, Mommy. Too hot." I watch her playing, and my heart almost aches with how beautiful she is. We make tents to play in on rainy days. On sunny days, we go to the park, or have lunch picnics outside. When summer hits, I take her swimming, instead of working. When my husband comes home, we have tasty, healthy, home-cooked meals. Our freezer food and fast-food consumption has dropped dramatically. He gets to focus on work more than he did when we were doing our crazy childcare schedule. I get to teach piano, too! I love teaching people how to play music. It's a good life. A "Jolie La La" kind of life.
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